More on Shared Experiences

I received a comment on last Friday's post on shared experiences that I suspect resonates with a lot of people (see the comments from the Fri 9/21 post). The commenter expressed a great deal of frustration over attempts to provide shared experiences for his/her family, including feelings of failure and futility. I thought the comment was important enough to require a response in today's post. I'm going to try to go a little deeper into the subject of shared experiences and try to offer some help today. I feel a little like Dear Abby! But I'm grateful for the response, which is very helpful, and hopefully I can offer some help and encouragement.

Shared experiences are glue to relationships. The more you have, the stronger the relational bond. Acts 2:42-47 is essentially a list of the shared experiences of the early church. People can be members of a church or even a family, but without shared experiences they may not feel like they're a part. This is how people can participate in a Sunday School class or small group, even for a long period of time, and still not feel like they know people or are known by them. Coming to meetings does not glue people together like shared experiences do. In the family, and the group, and the neighborhood, and the church, we are after shared experiences, not meetings.

In response to the comment by anonymous last Friday, let's first be clear that shared experiences are a lot more than family vacations. It might be helpful to recall the 4 functions: play, serve, grow, belong. You could easily call these the 4 shared experiences. Vacations fall mostly in the play function, which is important but not the whole story. Serve, belong and grow functions are powerful shared experiences. Rather than planning a vacation, plan a serving opportunity or a time where group members tell their stories. Sometimes (and you can't really plan when), these things will turn into unforgettable shared experiences. Weathering adversity together is one of the most powerful shared experiences ever, and you obviously can't plan that, but you can prepare for it. Building habits of being together positions you for real community when it's needed and not just wanted. The kind of bonds that soldiers have, for instance, is born out of interdependence in life-or-death situations; you can't plan that, but you can be together at the right time.

My family enjoys traveling together, but I recognize that families are different and many families aren't road-trip types. That's okay! Don't place spiritual significance on whether or not you go on trips. The value is more important than the method. You do, however, need to figure out ways to play together as a family or group. Playing together can be difficult because it's a matter of personal preference. If your family or group can't play together because nobody can agree on what to do, there is a value issue there that is worth talking about. There has to be some give-and-take for everyone to play together; this is an important relational skill and is part of the reason play is important at all. If people in the group can't do this, you don't have a play problem, you have a relationship problem, and you might as well confront it now.

We are so programmed in our society to seek our own pleasure first, that it undermines our relationships. The strategy of marketing and pop culture is to isolate each member of the family from the others and market to them individually, because that generates more sales. It's not unusual to see every member of a family detached from the others, but attached to an individual form of electronic media: dad's on the Internet in his office, mom is watching TV in one room, little brother is on another tv in the playroom and big sister is texting on her phone. We've been conditioned to believe that leisure and recreation should be all about us. This pre-conditioning is difficult to overcome, but it's totally worth it to do battle on this front. If this is a real problem in your family or group, talk about it openly. Philippians 2:3-4 tells us to consider the interests of others and not just our own; play is a great opportunity to put that into practice. Choose an interest of one person and have the rest of the group value that person by participating in it, then do the same for another person the next time. You may be stoked when everyone is supporting you, but you'll grow more on the days when you're supporting someone else's interests. Or, choose activities that aren't necessarily anyone's specialty. Remember--especially guys--that play is more than competitive sport. Play does not have to be athletic or competitive: examples include camping, going to the park or beach, taking an evening walk or even crafts like woodwork or quilting (at least that's what I hear).

Anonymous, you also mentioned your preference for reading a book over shared experiences. Reading is a great habit and a fine pastime, but it doesn't count as a play function unless it's a book club. Be conscious of the non-verbal communication you're sending: if the other members of the group do feel that you'd rather be off reading a book than be with them, you're going to have an uphill battle on your hands. Let the transformation begin with you; we're often unaware of the impression we give others around us. If you have the courage and thick skin, ask others in your group what kind of impression you give them--it may be an enlightening conversation.

Championing the value of shared experiences can be emotionally hard and take a long time. Please understand, you are attempting to change culture, perhaps years of conditioning and habits, and that doesn't happen overnight. Jim Collins' "flywheel principle" really comes into play here. A flywheel is an extremely heavy wheel or cylinder. It takes enormous energy at first just to move it a little bit, but if one is both consistent (always pushing the flywheel the same direction) and persistent (not giving up or being discouraged by small progress), eventually the flywheel will start to spin, and once you get it going its own inertia keeps it spinning with only a little help. Most of what we're doing at the Springs is like this. Refuse to quit pushing the flywheel, believing that eventually big things will come of it. Don't expect "microwave" results. Relationships are slow-cookers!

Celebrate even small victories. Don't miss shared experiences that come when they weren't planned. Talk about the value of shared experiences, about playing and belonging and growing and serving together, even when you're not experiencing them; that way everyone will recognize them when they happen. Don't stuff your calendar so full that there's nothing left to share. And pray. If there was ever a prayer that was within the will of God, this one is it: as Jesus prayed, that we would be one as he and the Father are one.
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Readers, leave a comment and share some of your family or group shared experiences. They may range from the extraordinary to the mundane, but every one bonded you with others around you.

The Power of Shared Experiences

I'm writing this post tonight from a hotel room in Buffalo, New York. I just spent the day with my family at Niagara Falls: we went to the Hershey store and ate chocolate, then had lunch at the Hard Rock cafe and looked at cool guitars owned by Ace Frehley and Ritchie Sambora. This afternoon we got on a boat called the Maid of the Mist and rode up to the falls from the river. It was like standing in a rainstorm at the base of the falls--we got soaked even with the blue ponchos they gave us. I finished the day playing pop-a-shot and mini-bowling at an arcade with the boys.

There is an immense power in shared experiences. We didn't change the world today, but we were together...and we have plenty of tourist photos to prove it. The truth is, if we weren't away from home today I wouldn't have spent this much time with my wife and kids. I would have spent a lot of time today doing things they don't care much about. I didn't step into the boys' world by bringing them to Niagara Falls, but I did when I played arcade games with them. We'll be able to do that thing that only people who have shared experiences can do: one of us will say, "You remember when we went to Niagara Falls?" and the rest of us will nod our heads. That's a powerful thing, probably more powerful than we realize.

You don't have to travel far or spend a lot of money to have shared experiences. I have some almost every time our home group meets. In a couple of weeks our group is going camping together, and a couple of weeks after that we'll be working together on a Habitat for Humanity house. Helping a deserving family become homeowners is worthwhile in itself, but sharing the experience with friends and neighbors is a huge bonus. I think especially for men and boys, it helps to do something active together instead of just meeting, but sometimes just hanging out is enough. All biblical community--family, spiritual friendships, the tribe, neighborhood life--is built on shared experiences. Nobody feels a bond to people they haven't shared experiences with. Sometimes it only takes one experience to make that connection. It may be a great day or the worst day of someone's life, but if they shared it with you they won't soon forget that you were there and you are now a part of their story. Don't miss this. Be fully present with your spouse and kids, your community and your neighbors. If you're there when the good stuff, the fun stuff and the important stuff happens, you'll be weaving your story into those around you, and God will be weaving His through all of yours. As Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Little Stuff

One of the things I struggle with is the lack of "pizazz" in our ministry. I have this urge to do things to hype the church more--years of programming, of looking around to see who's getting attention, have made me uneasy about our quiet approach. We gather in people's homes in various neighborhoods in the community...big deal, I fear people will say. Where's the show? The flash? The lights and sound? But in the middle of that struggle, I'm beginning to see little things happen. They might have gone unnoticed, but they are the seeds of neighborhood life and I'm having fun watching them grow. These things remind me that things of eternal consequence don't always make a big splash...at first, anyway. Let me share a few with you.

Pleasant Interruptions
Our new group has gathered at our house the last two Sunday afternoons. It's been a great experience to share meals with everyone and just spend time getting to know each other. "Coincidentally," both meetings have been "interrupted" by neighbors coming over to the house. Kids from the neighborhood have joined us for our meal and stayed to play with all the kids in the group; parents have come by to ask a question or just to say hello. We've invited some to come back and join us at the next table, and I know it's only a matter of time before it works out and they come. Unplanned contact with our neighbors is a daily occurrence now, and our relationships with neighbors and "church friends" are beginning to intersect. The more it happens, the more I realize this is how I want to live.

This is Church
One of our group members wasn't feeling well this week and couldn't make it to the table...but she brought over dessert anyway! Even cooler than that, though, was her son's response: he asked her if they were "going to church tonight," referring to our group, and cried when he found out they weren't going. Priceless. It's so difficult for us adults to overcome so many years of conditioning, but it's natural for this little guy to view our table gathering as "church." I don't have a crystal ball, but I can tell which way the wind blows. Thousands, maybe even millions, of young people think about church this way. It is entirely possible that this will be the dominant mental picture of church in the world in our lifetimes.

Talking About My Generation
We took our first shot at inter-generational discussion last night: we mixed up kids and parents at the table and talked to other kids besides our own; the kids told us what they liked best about their parents, and the parents talked about what they liked about their kids. Nothing especially earth-shaking happened, and the kids didn't hang with us for long, but they did it. Kids talked with adults around the table. The fact that this is such a novel thing only illustrates how deeply pop culture and marketing have separated us into groups that don't know how to communicate with each other, and therefore can't learn from each other. Do you want your kids to be exceptional? Teach them to be able to have a conversation with an adult.

Small Talk That Isn't Small
After our "catch and release" of the kids, we sat around the table over dessert and talked about raising our kids, baptizing our kids, differences between boys and girls, and the demands of parenting in a commercial culture. We learned how our kids view us from what they said at dinner earlier. It was "just conversation," but it was more than that. Little lines of communication about important things--like raising our kids--are being constructed that may come into play in critical times later on. We're building community, building a culture where people truly know each other and have a place to go when they need something.

There were no fireworks at the Springs this weekend. I ended my day hunting frogs and lizards in the yard with the boys and looking at the moon and the stars with a little girl in the group. It was better than fireworks. It's all little stuff, but it has big potential.

Four Functions: Grow

(part 5 of 5 posts on the four functions of Neighborhood Life)

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

-Jesus in Matthew 7:24-27 TNIV

Growth, according to Jesus, has 2 parts: hearing and putting into practice. This important balance between receiving and applying truth has been largely lost in the church. In most people's experience, almost everything about church is oriented around hearing. Why? I suspect it is the inevitable outcome of a church oriented around a preacher; what else would end up being the focal point of the ministry besides the preacher's high-profile gift? Or if a church's dynamic worship is the focal point of the ministry, the "hook" if you will, then what do people assume is the pinnacle of spiritual life? Singing, or listening to singing? We hope we have both dynamic teaching and great worship, but I equally hope that neither of these is the defining characteristic of the Springs. How would things change if the defining characteristic of the church was not the personalities or gifts of her leaders, but the refreshing manner in which her participants lived? People may not watch that church's services on TV, but I think they'd be seriously interested in what was happening there. We're not trying to develop professional hearers, but rather people who are living the Christ-life in a refreshing way.

This vision of church and community is driving our approach to growth. For this reason, our neighborhood groups are meeting weekly before we begin regular Sunday services, and we are not jumping into weekly Sunday services until we feel that it is important and necessary. We are attempting to re-orient our thinking about Christian life toward application. Neighborhood life at the Springs aims to push the application side of growth beyond the norm for the contemporary church. Rather than Christians being sent out to apply truth on their own, with little or no follow up, Neighborhood life gives Christians a place to live it out and a people to live it out with.

Jesus said the distinguishing characteristic of his followers would be the love they expressed to each other. For the first Christians, there was an automatic forum for applying this teaching because they shared life together. Contemporary Christians don't generally share life. Our ability to share life is usually limited by the fact that our paths don't cross unless we make an appointment to meet. Frankly, it's hard to grow by appointment. At the Springs, our groups are now meeting weekly, but meetings are not the end game; hopefully, they're a catalyst for the development of relationships that become interdependent and spontaneous. When we're borrowing tools, eating out of each other's refrigerators, and carpooling the kids we'll be a lot closer to sharing life than when we were merely "meeting." What you'll also find--and I guarantee this--is that informal conversations with Christian friends who know you on this level will help you grow more than any class you could attend or any sermon you could listen to. I had just such a conversation last night in my living room.

Neighborhood life is an attempt to recapture the first Christians' ability to live out the "one another" teachings of the Christian faith. Our teaching will come with a built-in forum to apply Christian truth, as well as a group of people who can encourage us, challenge us, and celebrate with us as we live it out. Remember that the difference between the wise and foolish builders in Matthew 7 was not that one heard and the other did not. Both heard, but only one put it into practice. Real life--and real growth--is in the neighborhood.

Four Functions: Play

(part 4 of 5 posts on the four functions of neighborhood life)

All four functions--belong, serve, grow, and play--were modeled for us by the first Christians in Acts 2. Of the four, play is the most often overlooked. If you read Acts 2 through a pious lens, you'll miss the fact that the early Christians were distinguished in their community by their enjoyment of life together: "They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people." (2:46-47) How this picture morphed into the kind of formal, smile-free image of religiosity we associate with Christian living today, I'll never know. And if the example of the early church is not enough, the life of Jesus himself tells us all we need to know. Perhaps second to his claim of divinity, the greatest criticism of Jesus was that he spent too much time partying with the wrong people. "He eats and drinks with tax collectors and sinners," they would say. Jesus hung out alot, and it appears that he actually liked people and wanted to be with them whenever he could. Kids always seemed to be playing around Jesus, and he wouldn't let anyone stop them. When he got a chance to describe the Kingdom of God, he chose to tell a story of a master who was inviting everyone he could find to a party, and Jesus cast himself in the story as the one delivering the invitations.

At the Springs, we want to champion the Christian value of play. Say it however you like: we encourage pool parties, game night, golf day, barbecues, and getting together to watch the big game. The Christian rep of having a corn cob in the wrong place has certainly been earned, but it's still a ridiculous and unbiblical way to live. Whether it's a block party with a live band and giant inflatable stuff for the kids, or just sitting on out on the sidewalk in the evening while the kids play--this is the stuff Neighborhood Life is made of.

Now there is a difference in the way Christians should play, but it's not primarily in the amount of adult beverages consumed. As a musician and worship leader, I've always looked at it this way: when our culture turns on the radio or goes club hopping, we're usually looking for the music to have an effect on us, give us a reason to be happy, or a reason to escape, or just something to make us feel good. Worship music is the opposite of that: the Christ-life is our reason to celebrate, and the music is the means, not the motive. Play is the same: in its most "Christian" form, it's an expression of enjoying life, not a way to escape an unenjoyable life. We're not "working for the weekend" as much as celebrating the week. The activities may be very similar, but the motive and the result are dramatically different.

Are you having fun? If not, you're doing it wrong. Our cares are real, but so is our hope. Play is worship. You don't believe me?--watch a kid.

Four Functions: Serve

(part 3 of 5 posts on the Four Functions of Neighborhood Life)

On Labor Day, Discovery Channel aired a marathon of one of my family's favorite shows, "Dirty Jobs." We love watching Mike Rowe attempt the jobs that, in his words, "make civilized life possible for the rest of us." It's a weird idea for a TV show, but a refreshing one--in an entertainment universe that includes Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, it's nice to see people who actually work for a living get their fifteen minutes of fame and be commended for doing necessary work that most of us would rather avoid. One of the reasons the show works, I think, is that Mike genuinely likes and appreciates people who do dirty jobs. The purpose of the show is to honor them, and that always seems to come across.

Apparently there are about 2 million of us who can't wait to see Mike roughnecking in an oil field or replacing a lift pump at the water treatment plant. Why is the show so popular? In a recent USA Today interview, Rowe gave his take: "People are choking on comfort and starting to develop a suspicion that our lives have become too easy." And while we may not want to spend our days getting filthy, the show capitalizes on white-collar envy of jobs that have an inherent sense of accomplishment. "A ditch digger has a ditch when he's done," Rowe says. "You probably do important work at your desk, but it looks a lot like it did when you started your day."

The Christian faith in America is currently living in a Dirty Jobs dilemma. We are, with a few notable exceptions, desk-job disciples. Our trademark activities are academic and can usually be practiced in dress clothes: study, worship attendance, listening to sermons, etc. Jesus, on the other hand, continually called our attention to the dirty jobs of the Kingdom: washing people's feet, telling us that the greatest among us is the servant, caring for "unclean" people. He grew up in a tradesman's household and injected a blue-collar ethic into a white-collar religious world.

Serving is a cornerstone of Neighborhood Life for a variety of reasons: Jesus lived and commanded it; we sense that our souls need it; a watching world recognizes the disconnect between our message and our lifestyle if we don't serve; and, of course, people in need will benefit from being served. Neighborhood Life puts us in more regular contact with people close to us, who, once we get to know them, inevitably reveal ways we can serve them: the elderly couple, the family with a new baby, and the single mom all live within a stone's throw of each of us (maybe they are us). They also become a great group of people to serve with. Our groups will be helping to build a Habitat for Humanity house together this fall, for instance, and other opportunities to serve in our community will certainly present themselves. For me personally, the most rewarding experiences we've had so far in building the church have been the serving opportunities. And because Neighborhood Life is inter-generational, I've had the opportunity to serve with my wife and kids, an experience I value as a parent and husband. I suspect that few things will match the fulfillment or impact in our community that serving in Christ's name will bring.

Mike Rowe has noticed something different about dirty jobs workers: "The people I meet have a pretty even world view, that quiet knowledge that comes from knowing that even though your contribution may not be understood or appreciated, it matters." We are determined to be about things that matter to people in our community. People who never attend a service at the Springs should still experience service from the Springs. And if they do, we'll have the thrill of being in the middle of God's transformational work where we live.